Defeat is a funny thing. It’ll sneak up out of nowhere and and snatch everything you’ve worked for in the blink of an eye. It kicks you over and over again as you lie sprawled out on the ground gasping for air. Defeat is dread, regret, and frustration balled up into one heavy ball that sits in the bottom of your gut. However, defeat defines victory and without defeat there is no motivation to win.
The past two weekend races have been nothing short of defeat. After working so hard all summer and bringing high expectations to these races – I anticipated much better results than what actually happened. Defeat really sums up the feeling inside. Trying to stay motivated and blocking out what happened is my first thought, because if I can just forget about the past two weeks then I’ll be fine, right? Well it worked, right up until the next race and that same uneasy fear consumed my thoughts. Every Saturday morning felt like a trap full of expectation and doubt all bottled up into this big failure that was scheduled around 10 am. Obviously not a very good feeling. I realized something through all of this though. It wasn’t an “aha” moment by any means, but just a great new perspective that made me realize a couple things. First– running and racing is supposed to be fun! Yeah it’ll be difficult and there’s times where I won’t want to do it, but that’s the beauty of it all. I’m doing this because I love it, so why bring on all of this unnecessary stress that isn’t going to make me run faster or harder or whatever else I want to accomplish?
After the first bad race I decided to stop by my aunt and uncle’s house. They came to watch that morning and I was feeling pretty embarrassed about what they had to see. My uncle Tyler gave me some valuable advice that night and it has had a big impact on my attitude going forward.
“I want you to know that we didn’t come to your race this morning to watch you come in first place for your team or to break twenty minutes. Because first of all, I had no idea what any of that meant until today. We came to watch you run because it’s something that you love to do. And I can tell you the minute that you start dreading your race and worrying about it, you’re going to lose the magic of loving it.”
My uncle challenged me to run my next race because I love it. Not because I want to get a college scholarship or hit certain times. He also challenged me to figure out what I’m afraid of. This talk was so meaningful to me and I’ll always remember his words.
If you’re ever struggling with something or facing problems that seem impossible, reach out. It’s so important to see other perspectives instead of relying on your own for everything, even if it means having to humble yourself (which can be embarrassing at first) and open up to those who are close to you. It’s definitely hard to admit your weaknesses, but it’s even harder to lock them away and keep them pent up inside of you. I’ve realized that it’s okay to make yourself vulnerable every once in a while, because being tough 24/7 isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Going forward, I’m making an effort to be more open with how I’m feeling. And although success won’t be immediate, it’ll come when the time is right. So for now I’m going to keep on doing the important things. I hope my future self can remember this as a learning experience. I’m so thankful for challenges and what they teach us 😀 I’m also thankful for the strong people in my life that constantly support and care about these things!!