I feel like in the past few years I’ve done a lot of things that have slowly put cracks in my heart. (yea yea dramatic much but I like the way it sounds so I’ll refer to it in that way for the rest of this post) Whether it’s intentional or not, putting too much emphasis on things that don’t matter has broken me down and put me in places farther from where I thought I was getting closer to in the moment. I’m going to use an example from running because I always do but also because it’s important to me and the growth I’ve had in this life. I used to get incredibly anxious before any kind of competition or pressure filled situation. It was for a lot of different reasons, mostly situational, expectations, a messed up perspective of myself. I would get so heavily focused on a numerical outcome and would deem my worth and esteem off of how I did in comparison to those who were finishing ahead with better marks. (Usually that’s the best form of motivation to do better and achieve more, but in my head I let anxiety be a bigger factor.) It’s a really messed up way to view yourself and your accomplishments because it just turns into a repeating cycle of disappointment and discouragement. On top of that I was always just embarrassed to get on a starting line or act confidently because I thought everyone around me already knew how slow I was going to be. I assumed everyone thought I was a joke and a try hard. I became more and more focused on stats in order to prove myself to the imaginary thoughts I believed everyone was thinking of me. (and hey maybe some people actually were but who knows). But I think that the fact I was trying to hide all of this from everyone besides my parents and psychologist who knew the BTS makes me realize that was creating an even bigger crack in the heart. Pretending that you’re fine, that everything is going well when in all honestly you don’t know if you can give another day, is pretty much a one way ticket to a lot of twisted things. That’s one of the reasons why I dislike social media sometimes. It can be awesome and there’s a lot of good things about an app like instagram. But it can portray a false sense of reality that often times does a lot more damage than good. I had the same idea in my head about this as I did with running. I cared so much about what people thought while acting like I didn’t care and wasn’t that attached to it. So I posted to please. And the instant gratification from that only goes so far.
Flash forward a few years and I decided to eliminate the one thing that seemed so constant in all of these cracks and breaks. When I went to college and stopped running, it was as if all of those stressors just washed away. I didn’t have to prove myself anymore and felt like I was finally on the same wave length with my friends and everyone else. So I started doing what everyone else was doing. Which also led to more cracks because yet again, I was trying to please others and fit in with a crowd. I started going out, losing my sense of self, and putting it out to other people who I’ll probably never talk to or see again. My self esteem was lower than it had ever been because I neglected my health in an attempt to “loosen up” and let go. My body looked different because I had gained a lot of weight and was unmotivated to do anything about it in fear that I would pick up the same bad habits as before. I think I can confidently say that by the end of last semester I had cracked and kicked my heart to where it felt broken and bruised with anything I did. I felt like I lost my personality and goals because I had spent the last few months trying to erase the things I resented about myself.
So here we are now.
I am slowly coming around and mending the cracks by opening my eyes a little wider than before. A little perspective makes a world of difference. There’s a story I’ve read about a pilot who accidentally set his coordinates just a few degrees away from where his final destination was. A couple degrees away seems very insignificant because you’d assume the plane would be close enough to where it was supposed to be anyways. As the pilot neared the end of the duration of his flight, he was nearly 100 miles away from the desired destination. A matter of a few degrees can make all the difference when you are looking at your life in the long run.
I’ve realized in the last few years that by putting emphasis on the things in my life that don’t matter as much in the end, while it feels like I’m doing something good or getting closer to something I have perceived as good, I’m getting farther from where I could be if I had just widened my perspective a few degrees.
I don’t regret the cracks I’ve made though. I think you can still appreciate them while trying to mend them. Actually, for me that has been the very first step in mending the heart. I’ve had to take a step back and understand that you have to learn before you can grow. There won’t be any flowers if there isn’t rain to nourish them first. So before I make comments like “Wow I was crazy back then for thinking that way” or “I can’t believe I spent so much time with that person”, I’ve accepted that everything I’ve done, every person who has had an impact on me (both positive or negative) has happened for a reason and has contributed to my growth as a person. I’m grateful for those few degrees that I had wrong before, because they’ve caused me to take a different path back to my desired outcome.
Mary Beth says
Your words are so true to you and I appreciate hearing your perspective. I’ve seen so much growth in you in the few short months I’ve known you. Happy you found your passion again!! 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Emma Beck says
Thanks MaryBeth <3 you're the best!!
Sarah Watts says
You inspire me <3
Emma Beck says
hey there bestie I love you