You have to believe there is more out there for you. There are many more opportunities, friendships, and experiences. I’ve been saying that to myself quite a bit lately with everything that has happened in these past few months. When I first moved to Madeira I felt like I had so much to look forward to. New school, new friends, a fresh start. I felt so ~freaking~ happy every day at school and sports practices. Come March when plans started getting cancelled and social interactions came to a halt, I felt super discouraged. It was as if all of this progress I had made in the past year had gone to waste. (Obviously that wasn’t the case but it was a dramatic time with a lot of emotions.) After a lot of crying and sorting through feelings (haha you know me), I decided it wasn’t the end of the world and also realized that everyone else was dealing with the same thing. Once that switch flipped, I started letting go of these attachments I’ve built in the past year. It sounds a little weird to say it like that but for example, I have relied so so much on running and results through that. Pace, mileage, elapsed time, you name it. I got to the (unhealthy) point where it was only deemed a good run if I ran faster than 7:20 pace for at least 5 miles and my elapsed time matched up. It sounds pretty ridiculous, but I’m sure there are a lot of other runners who can relate to that and have struggled with the same kind of stuff. After the track season got cancelled, I was so incredibly stressed out about running when I got to college. I remember writing in my journal about how I just needed to be able to run as fast and how ashamed I’d be of myself if I lost this fitness. Of course this has stemmed from the awful comparison game that we all play in our heads. I’ve written about it before on here and I’ll continue to write about it because it is so important! I had always thought I would run in college on a team. I spent so many hours looking at Milesplit, thinking about workouts, and creating a lot of unneeded anxiety for myself. I followed runners on instagram and built this plan for who I wanted to be in the future. But what I didn’t realize was that by doing this, I was getting farther and farther away from my true self. I was obsessed with being a version of myself that isn’t real. So I decided to stop using Strava and hit the unfollow button a whole lot. Now I go to the gym because I want to and I enjoy exercising, not because I need to maintain a certain weight or have visible abs. I hang out with my friends more often and laugh a lot. I want to try new things and forget the old, unhealthy habits.
I encourage anyone who might be struggling with similar problems to reflect on what is truly important. You don’t have to be perfect. There doesn’t need to be some immediate change or an amazing revelation. Just be true to yourself and do what makes you feel free. It doesn’t all come at once and I know I have a long way to go. But take those tough baby steps and act without fear.